stock here: LOL the “debate”
https://substack.com/@simulationcommander/p-148748021
Why indeed does Trump agree to the conditions of said debate? Just confident? Or just playing his part?
DM: Welcome to the most important event in the history of the world. We’re glad you’re here with us. Or not with us, since there’s actually no audience with us tonight. Let’s welcome the candidates. (Eerie silence in the room.)
DM: Let’s start with the economy. VP Harris, are Americans better off than they were 4 yeras ago?
Kamala Harris: I’m actually middle class. Or I was. And I have a great plan to build an opportunity economy. Houses are too expensive, so we need to support young people with government help! I love small businesses, too! I’m going to give huge tax deductions to small businesses! Trump just wants to cut taxes for the rich. What a jerk. I’m for normal people! Trump wants you to pay $4,000 a year more!
Donald Trump: Tariffs aren’t taxes. (Fact check: Mostly wrong.) You kept the tariffs cause they work. The real problem is the inflation, and that’s all on Biden and Harris. That’s what really kills the middle class. Add into that all the people streaming across the border and stealing black and brown jobs. We see what’s going on! They’re taking over buildings! She let them in! We gotta get ‘em out.
KH: When Trump left office, unemployment was terrible! Public health was terrible! January 6th was the worst thing since the civil war! We were cleaning up his mess! He’s just gonna lie to you tonight. He’s gonna tell you all about Project 2025 tonight! (These statements back to back is hilarious.)
DT: Everybody knows I have nothing to do with Project 2025. I don’t even want to read it. (WTF?) I don’t lie to people about what I’m going to do. The pandemic did all the bad things. I handed them a good economy because I did masks and ventilators. I kicked covid’s ass! They just got the bounceback jobs.
KH: That’s not a plan! He’s just going to cut taxes for the rich. I’m going to make an opportunity economy. All the experts say that my plan is the best plan in the history of plans and Trump’s plan is hot garbage and would drive us into a recession. He’s got no plan. Except that plan I just told you about.
DT: I went to Wharton and everybody there loves my plan. She’s the one without a plan. She copied Biden’s plan off his website — hilarious!
DM: Let’s get into the tariff idea. Doesn’t that just increase costs to the consumer. (Just like all taxes!)
DT: China pays all those tariffs. She kept all the tariffs. If she didn’t like it, she could have removed them at any time. People are suffering from inflation. All the polls love my economic ideas.
DM: You know, he’s right. You kept the tariffs. What’s up with that?
KH: Trade deficits! He sold chips to China! We should win the economic war on China! Maybe with….tar……..But Trump loves President Xi! Trump said he loved him and thank you!
DT: Those chips were made in Taiwan. She just copies my policies, I should send her a MAGA hat. She’s just a Marxist and terrible for our country. Like all the people streaming in through the border. More people than New York state! Bad immigration leads to a bad economy! Her policies are terrible.
LD: Let’s turn to abortion. President Trump, you were happy you killed Roe v. Wade. Now you say you’re great on abortion. Vice President Harris says we shouldn’t trust you because you flip-flop. What say you?
DT: I don’t want to have abortion up until the ninth month. Her VP says that’s fine, that’s not okay with me. All I did was put Roe v. Wade back into the states because I’m such a genius. Now states are voting on it so people can decide their own rules. Everybody wanted this to happen and I did it.
LD: You can’t kill a baby after it’s born in any state. (That’s not exactly what Trump said)
KH: 20 states have Trump abortion bans! Trump wants to lock up doctors! He wants to force women to give birth to the babies of their rapists! The government shouldn’t be making medical decisions for people! When Congress passes a bill, I will sign it! He’ll sign a national abortion ban and monitor your pregnancy! Government shouldn’t make healthcare decisions!
DT: Yes, everybody wanted the issue back with the states. Now it is, because of what I did. I’m not going to sign a national abortion ban because the issue is with the states. She wouldn’t get the votes anyway. Maybe she’ll do it like Biden did with student loans.
LD: So would you sign a national abortion ban?
DT: It wouldn’t happen.
LD: What restrictions do you support
KH: I will restore the protections of Roe v. Wade. (This did not answer the question?) Trump wants to ban IVF treatment! People have to travel to get family planning! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO WOMEN, DONALD TRUMP?!?!?!?! That’s why the people voted for abortion all the time! (That’s sort of his point?)
DT: I love IVF. You should ask her specifically if she’d allow abortions in the ninth month. This is what happened in Virginia.
DM: Let’s turn to immigration. VP Harris, you were the border czar. Why did the administration wait so long?
KH: “I am the only one on the stage who has prosecuted transnational gangs trafficking in guns, drugs, and human beings” — DRINK.
KH: Trump voted down the border bill, which would have allowed us to prosecute the people who traffic in guns, drugs and human beings. (Yes, she really said this twice.) Trump doesn’t want to fix the problem because he wants to run on the problem! He talks about Hannibal Lecter! People leave his rallies early! He never talks about you! (Harris has never seen a Trump rally, LOL)
DM: Why did you kill that border bill?
DT: People don’t go to her rallies unless she pays them. Nobody leaves my rallies early. She’s going to get us into World War III! In Springfield they’re eating pets! People love my rallies.
DM: The City Manager says that he’s got no reports of that.
KH: This is why Bush and Romney republicans love me! Dick Cheney loves me! Liz Cheney loves me! Everybody hates Donald Trump. He’s rambling about pets being eaten!
DT: I fired those people because they were terrible. She never fired anybody, even for Afghanistan. Nobody gets fired under her. I fire people, then those people write books about me! All the terrible people still have their jobs under her.
DM: Trump, you want to deport a bunch of people. How would you do that?
DT: The bad countries are sending us all their criminals! Democrats think that will get them votes, but it’s not going to work.
DM: The FBI says crime is down.
DT: They aren’t including the worst cities, it’s a fraud like the job numbers.
KH: You talk a lot for somebody who has been prosecuted so much! Trump wants to defund the police! You’re boring, old man. Let’s address the housing shortage and the price of groceries!
DT: Those cases are all political warfare. They weaponized the DoJ to attack me to get me off the ballot, and everybody knows it. Joe Biden is too senile to stand trial for the documents case, but I won mine!
KH: The Supreme Court recently ruled he would basically be immune to prosecution! He would attack his political enemies! He said he would QUOTE “TERMINATE” the Constitution! We have to stop him!
DT: They started the lawfare and that’s the threat to democracy.
LD: If your values haven’t changed, why have your policies changed?
KH: I said in 2020 I wouldn’t ban fracking, and I haven’t! (IIRC it was 2019 when she said she would ban fracking, she ignores that.) I still have my middle class values! This guy just got handed everything but went bankrupt anyway! My values have not changed! The important thing is that I want to lift people up, not beating people down! Not somebody who just calls people names like Mr. Meaniehead Hitler over there.
DT: She was against fracking and for defunding the police. EXCUSE ME, I’M TALKING NOW! Now she wants to trans operations on illegals! She will ban fracking. As soon as these guys got into office, gas went through the roof! If she wins, we’ll be going back to windmills.
DM: The election is just 56 days away. Let’s talk about January 6th. You watched on TV. You sent out tweets, but waited two hours to send out a video message.
DT: I said PEACEFULY AND PATRIOTICALLY. Only our people were killed on January 6th. Ashley Babbitt was killed, but they’re locking up January 6th protestors. Why don’t they go after the illegals like they’re going after J6ers?
DM: You did watch on TV. Do you regret anything?
DT: I didn’t do anything wrong. I told Nancy Pelosi there was going to be a ton of people, but she said she didn’t want National Guard there. I wasn’t responsible for security.
KH: I was at the Capitol on January 6th. (She left long before the “mob” “attacked”.) Law enforcement officers were attacked, and some died! Let’s all remember Charlottesville! He said the Nazis were very fine people! He told the Proud Boys to stand back and stand by! We’re not going back! You can stand with rule of law with me! He only likes elections when he wins! He said there would be a bloodbath if he loses! (Drink twice for two hoaxes.)
DT: Bloodbath was about the economy, dummy. And Charlottesville was debunked a long time ago. Watch the next sentence. (It’s actually 55 seconds.) Harris could fix the border right now. I’d leave the debate right now and we can go do it!
DM: You kept saying 2020 was stolen, but recently you said you lost by a whisker. Are you saying you lost fairly now?
DT: LOL no they stole it. We need to fix our elections. They want the illegals to vote, that’s why they’re here.
DM: You lost a bunch of court cases.
DT: How do I not have standing to get into the courts as candidate? I’ll show you the proof if you want. Regardless, we’ve gotta win in 2024 and not worry about 2020.
DM: Trump says that he’s gonna prosecute election cheaters. Your people responded that they won’t allow Trump to suppress the vote. Is that what he’s doing?
KH: The 2020 election was free and fair! Cleanest election ever! Everywhere I go, people tell me how terrible Donald Trump is. Americans deserve better!
DT: Everybody knows when I was president, the world was afraid of me. I ended Nordstream, Biden let them finish it! (Then we blew it up – LOL!) When America has weak leadership, the world knows it. She didn’t get any votes at all! That’s the danger to democracy!
LD: Turning to Israel, what a clusterfuck, am I right? VP Harris, how would you solve this?
KH: This is the fault of Hamas. Israel can defend itself just like we would, but they’ve killed too many innocent people. We must end this war. (But not that other war) But Israel can always defend itself.
LD: How would you solve this?
DT: It wouldn’t have happened if I was president, just like Putin wouldn’t have gone into Ukraine. She hates Israel, she wouldn’t even meet with Netanyahu. She hates the Arabs, too. She’s gonna get everybody blown up. I’ll end the wars before I’m even president.
LD: Harris, do you hate Israel?
KH: No, I love Israel. He’s trying to distract from the fact he’s weak and love dictators. He said he wants to be a dictator and Putin can do whatever he wants! He’s also pen pals with Kim Jung Un! That’s why the military all hates you! You’re too weak!
DT: An open border is pretty weak on national security. Putin says that he wants her to win. Biden gave Putin the Nordstream pipeline.
LD: Time for a break! (FINALLY)
comedy break:
DM: Welcome back. Let’s turn to the war in Ukraine. Biden says we must defend Ukraine. You said you would end the war — how would you do that? Do you want Ukraine to win?
DT: I want the war to stop. Millions of people are dying, and we’re paying for it. Europe should be funding NATO, not us. I want the war to stop. I know everybody involved and they all respect me — not like Putin. I will fix it before I’m even president. I’ll talk to them both and fix it. Biden didn’t know what he was doing. This could be World War III! Where is the president?
DM: Do you want Ukraine to win?
DT: We have to stop the war.
KH: I think Donald Trump would end the war by giving up. I met with Zelensky right before Putin invaded! Borders are sacred, and Russia’s aggression is unacceptable! We must support Ukraine, or Russia will continue to roll through Europe! Trump would just give up!
DT: Putin has nukes. You don’t wanna fuck with the nukes. They sent her to negotiate peace, and then Putin invaded. LOL.
DM: Have you actually met Vladimir Putin?
KH: Trump lies. I met with Zelensky! We have to look out for our friends, not our enemies! The President is Commander in Chief, you don’t want a dirty Russian spy in charge, do you?
DT: If NATO is so important, why doesn’t Europe want to pay for it?
DM: Afghanistan was a clusterfuck. Was it your fault, VP Harris?
KH: We got out of Afghanistan! We’re not in any wars at all….officially! Trump’s Afghanistan deal was terrible, all the military says so. He negotiated with the TALIBAN! Can you fucking believe that? Trump invited them to CAMP DAVID! We would NEVER do that. (We actually paid them thousands of dollars an hour for ‘security’ as we were fleeing.)
DT: You negotiate with the enemy in war, duh. I said you’re gonna stop killing our people, and they did. That’s the goal. But they left all the stuff behind and got our people killed. Biden tore up the agreement, that’s why our people got killed.
DM: Let’s talk about racism! That will be fun! Trump, you said Harris turned black. Why should you care?
DT: I don’t care, she just said that was Indian, but then she was black. Either is okay.
KH: You’re just a racist, Donald Trump. We don’t want people who divide us by race. By the way, remember that tomorrow is the Asian-Americans for Harris zoom call! Anyway, Trump is racist! He wanted to kill the Central Park 5! He’s a birther! Americans deserve better! We don’t want a leader who’s constantly pointing the finger — not like THAT GUY OVER THERE.
DT: The Biden presidency is the most divisive in history. Mayor Bloomberg agreed with me. The Central Park 5 pled guilty. But that’s all way in the past. I built the best economy ever. Biden ruined everything — and she is Biden.
KH: I’m not Joe Biden. I’m also not Donald Trump — I’m basically running on that. Why aren’t you optimistic about our futures? I want to give small businesses money! I want to give young families money! I want to give homeowners money! We deserve a discussion, not name-calling.
LD: President Trump, this is the third time you’re running for president. You said you wanted to kill Obamacare, but now you said you want to keep it. Why is that?
DT: We’re just gonna make it better. I got handed Obamacare, but I figured I should do whatever I could to make it okay. It still sucks, though. My new plan is gonna be the greatest plan ever. Well, concepts of a plan.
LD: VP Harris, you wanted to eliminate private insurance back in the day. What about now?
KH: I obviously love private healthcare. And I love guns, nobody is coming for your guns. Trump wanted to get rid of Obamacare 60 times! John McCain saved Obamacare and Trump hates him for it — but I love John McCain! Obamacare is awesome, that’s why everybody loves their healthcare today! I capped the cost of insulin! I capped the cost to seniors! Access to healthcare should be a right!
LD: Climate change is going to kill us all. What are you gonna do about it?
KH: He thinks climate change is a hoax, but it’s not. Everybody knows the weather is hot sometimes but cold other times. We can deal with this issue if you give me more money and power. We’re actually already doing this — that’s why the climate crisis is an existential……
DT: Auto plants are leaving America, not coming into America. Chinese car companies are going to Mexico to build cars there, but I won’t let them. Biden gets paid off from China, of course he’s loyal to them. (This in no way answered the question.)
DM: We’ll be back for closing statements.
This is a perfect time to mention the Royals beat the Yankees 5-0 tonight! Also to drop this:
DM: Time for closing statements. VP Harris, we’ll start with you.
KH: Tonight we’ve seen that one of the people on the stage wants to look backward. Which is really lucky, because my slogan is WE’RE NOT GOING BACK. I’m optimistic about giving money to everybody to help them out! I respect our military and won’t let government tell women what they can do with their bodies. As a prosecutor, I didn’t care if somebody was a Republican or a Democrat, only if they were okay. I want to be a president for all Americans, in their own special segment.
DT: Why hasn’t she done any of these awesome things? She’s been vice president for 3 1/2 years — just go do all these awesome things! We’re not going sacrifice our country because of bad leadership. Everybody’s laughing at us because Biden and Harris are weak — that’s why there’s wars everywhere! I rebuilt our military but she gave it away. She’s letting in all the illegals.
LD: That’s it! Peace out.